Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I'm Letting Go.....

My heart beats, standing on the edge, but my feet have finally left the ledge.  Just like an acrobat, there’s no turning back.  So now I’m letting go of the life I planned for me, and my dreams. I’m losing control of my destiny... It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe.
This is a giant leap of faith. I'm trusting and trying to embrace the fear of the unknown, it's beyond my comfort zone. So now I’m letting go of the life I planned for me, and my dreams. I’m losing control of my destiny... It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe.

Feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me

Thanks to Francesca Battistelli for those lyrics.  Have you ever turned on the radio and heard a song that you had previously heard countless times, but this time it takes on a whole new meaning and represents exactly how you're feeling?  Well, this song is that song for me right now.  Let me try to unpack everything and explain a little more...

If you've been following my blog, you know that I have tried lots of different treatments and therapies in search of a "holy grail" that will kick my disorder into remission.  For reasons solely His own, the Lord has not opened our eyes yet to what that may be, so today we turned over yet another stone and went to the pain management center at the University of Texas-Southwestern.  We met with a very nice doctor who has just recently moved to Dallas from Stanford University in California where she has been working regularly with people who have CRPS.  Our regular pain doctor sent us to her in hopes of unearthing any new ideas she might have in treating me.  Long story short, she confirmed that I did indeed have a severe case of CRPS, but she had many helpful ideas for us to try.  One idea that was mentioned is a very effective in-patient treatment where the patient is admitted to the hospital for 7-10 days to be administered IV drugs, spinal cord stimulations, nerve blocks, and aggressive physical therapy.  She said that I was an ideal candidate for such a route.  Unfortunately, at this time, Stanford is the only location that has a functional in-patient program at this time.  This news was not only frustrating but slightly devastating.  Even though I would absolutely qualify, the one treatment that has been shown to be incredibly successful in treating CRPS is unavailable to me unless I were to go to California to have it done.  She also told us about alternative medications and blocks that I could try, and she has a note into my primary doctor suggesting that I be put on the maximum dosage of the medications I am currently on.

Some other life-changing news has also been discussed that I am not quite ready to post about.  It has both devastated and broken me.  And that is where the song lyrics fit in.  I really do feel a little bit like I'm falling.  And the thing of it is, I didn't really have a choice as to whether I wanted to let go or not.  I guess the choice lay in the fact that I could chose to listen to the doctors or not, but still, not a whole lot of choice given.  It was one of those moments that I felt like I had been blindsided by a two-by-four.  Chelsea's plans for her life have changed drastically.  But I just have to keep telling myself over and over again that God DOES have a plan in all of this chaos.  Do I easily feel that always.  I wish I could say a resounding yes, but that would be a lie.  But one thing I can say is that I know that I know that I know that I know that He is my loving Heavenly Father and that His words are true.  And when I read His words in Jeremiah 29:11, it very clearly tells me that He does have a plan for me that includes both a future and a hope.  So even though I may not feel it always, I know that He does.

And tonight I got a call from my precious friend Lyndi.  Has God ever plopped someone into your life that you are blessed beyond reason by?  Someone who somehow knows just when to call or send you a text to brighten your entire day?  Well, in case you haven't guessed, Lyndi is that friend to me.  She is the most amazing, caring, just gosh darn wonderful person to be around, and she never ceases to encourage me and remind me of Christ's love.  And well tonight she did it again.  She called me and told me that this weekend she will be making the trek through the forsaken land of Oklahoma (no offense to any Oklahomians, but come on, not exactly the most exciting state in the union...) to come and visit me!!!!!! =D=D=D=D=D=D=D When I heard that I had the biggest smile on my face as tears in my eyes!!!  Again, the Lord used her in such an amazing way to give me excitement and honestly pure joy!!! I am so tremendously excited to see her and give her the biggest hug she has ever had!  And I'm not even going to pretend that I'm not counting down the days and hours!  They can't go by fast enough! I love her so much and couldn't ask for a more wonderful sister!!!!!!

1 comment:

Rhonda said...

Oh,Chelsea-I've never met you in person,but I think of you as a daughter.Today as I read your post,I wept for the pain you are going through and also for joy in the relationship you and Lyndi share.You two share something very special....have a wonderful weekend with my Lyndi. Now I'll add Lyndi's safety to my prayer list-I've given her strict orders if anything should happen to her GPS to promptly buy new one(she's directionly challenged!).We'll pray for God to be her pilot!